When I started at the Canadian College of Acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), I’ll be honest: I wasn’t looking to make friends. I was looking to survive, get an education, and get out.
For a long time, my “default setting” was a mix of social anxiety and an overwhelming feeling of unworthiness. I’ve spent years playing a high stakes game of poker with the world, convinced that if I put myself out there, I’d eventually fail and everyone would see it. It was easier to quit than fail.
Then came the daily commute. If you know me, you know that driving daily was its own mountain to climb. Every morning behind the wheel felt like a test of my nervous system. But TCM school has a funny way of stripping back your layers whether you’re ready or not.
The “Aha!” Moment in the Chaos
In TCM, we talk about the Shen (the spirit) and how it needs a calm “house” to reside in. My house was a bit of a fixer upper. I realized that my fear of failure wasn’t just a personality trait; it was an energetic knot I needed to untie.
Putting myself out there (actually showing up, being seen, and *gasp* making incredible friends like Lacey) was the “treatment” I didn’t know I needed. I realized that the “Fight or Flight” response I felt while driving or walking into the classroom was just my Qi getting stuck in traffic.
Struggling with the “Label”
I’ll let you in on a secret: Diagnosis is hard. Sitting across from a person and trying to figure out if their symptoms are Liver Qi Stagnation or Heart Blood Deficiency can feel like trying to read a map in the dark. There are days I feel like I’m failing at it. But then, I think about the herbs.
I’ve fallen in love with the logic of Herbal Medicine. In TCM, we don’t just throw a pill at a symptom; we build a “formula.” It’s a team effort. You have the “Chief” herb that does the heavy lifting, and the “Assistant” herbs that harmonize the whole thing.
Integrating the Medicine
I’ve started treating my life like an herbal formula.
- The Chief: Showing up for myself daily, even when the anxiety is loud.
- The Assistants: The deep breathing I do at red lights, the acupressure points I hit when my heart starts racing, and the herbal teas that ground my energy.
Overcoming my fear of failure didn’t mean the fear went away, it just meant I’ve learned to “harmonize” it. I’m still learning, still struggling with complex diagnoses, and still learning to lean on people in times of need. But I’m doing it. And for the first time, I feel worthy of the space I’m taking up.
If you’re feeling stuck in your own “Fight or Flight” loop, just know that even us practitioners in training are right there in the trenches with you. We’re all just trying to find our flow.
About the Author: Julie Tattrie-Johnson is a student at the Canadian College of Acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine and the creator of Needle Little Healing. She is passionate about nervous system regulation and finding the “human” side of ancient medicine. Follow her on Instagram to continue the conversation!